How to Handle Not Meeting Society's Expectations as a Woman
I used to think by the age of thirty, I would have it all: husband, kids, house, dog.
I had the timeline all figured out too:
Meet my forever partner by 26.
Get married a year or two later.
Shortly after, Rose, our little girl would be born.
By 29 baby number two would bless our newly renovated home in LA
and we lived happily ever after.
But here's what happened…
I’m mid-thirties now, no kids, no home, but I do have my forever partner. He's hot!! Loving, smart, funny… Everything I dreamed of and more.
Together, we're silly and loving and I honestly couldn't have imagined a love like this. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a lot we’re learning from each other, and we’re far from perfect, but man it’s good.
After year six of being together, I’d wake up thinking, is this the day? Is this the trip that he’ll…? Is this the family visit where he’ll ask my parents? Is this the romantic dinner for two where he’ll finally…”
No, it never was the day he proposed.
And every month, I felt like I was going to burst and ask, “When will you ask me! WHEN!??”
I even went as far as pushing him to buy me a ring. And that ring is sitting somewhere in our apartment waiting to be placed on my finger…
I thought if I spoke about it, that maybe the universe would hear me out and it would somehow compel him to propose. Naturally, I told my friends that he bought the ring! I acted thrilled and excited, even tho deep down inside I felt scared.
I let them know he was was on a deadline too, before my bday June 2018. After all, I was behind schedule on my original timeline.
Fast forward to June 2018
Needless to say, I woke up with a huge hangover on my birthday. When I opened my dry eyes covered in sleep, I was in physical and emotional pain.
My head felt like the Hulk smashed it a few too many times. my heart was fully broken. Don't mix engagement deadline with alcohol. Nothing was worse than the embarrassment and shame, not because I was hungover, but because I wasn’t engaged and I'd have to tell my friends it didn't happen.
Twenty minutes later, the word vomit spewed out of my mouth like a newborn baby as I lashed out at my boyfriend. I told him how good I am. How lucky he is to have me. How I didn't deserve this type of treatment. I was so mean.
In all honesty, the problem wasn’t my boyfriend, the pain was stemming from the fact that I would have to face the world, without a ring.
Still with me? Have you noticed that I haven’t talked about his feelings or perspective? Did you notice how selfish I was being? I was more concerned with my ego than I was with his feelings.
Now I’m going to stop you right then and there. For those of you who are thinking, well he should have proposed, you should drop him - blah blah blah! No, he shouldn’t have, and no I shouldn’t have.
I should have let him be. Because no matter what-ring or no ring-he loves me. He loves me likes the moon loves the stars. like the sun heats the sky. like if he could, he would get on a freaking spaceship to pluto and come back for me- type of love.
And that’s all that matters.
But just like my insecure ass, made him say I love you way too soon…
We were turning the corner to my apartment after an amazing Girl Talk concert at the Palladium. The night was ending, and in 12 hours, I was dropping him off at the airport for his Working Holiday in New Zealand. I wouldn't see him for nine months. That realization hit me and so did the Tequila.
Shortly after, crazy psycho-emotional train wreck Yazzi appeared. I turned to him as the driver pulled up to the apartment and asked him if he loved me. Before he could answer, I jumped out of the slow moving yellow taxi van and ran to my apartment sobbing.
He opened the door and wrapped himself around me on the couch. He had me sit up so he could wipe the tears from my eyes, kiss my snot-filled lips, and said, "Of Course, I love you."
Now fast forward seven years, and again, I am crying so bad, that there was nothing but mocos covering my mouth. Yelling at him saying terrible things and forcing him to propose.
And thank god he didn’t.
I had a lot to think about after that. What was I trying to prove to the rest of the world? That I was worthy of love because I had a ring?
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Dealing with the pressures of society
We don’t have it easy - I’m talking about humans that live in today’s society. from the moment we’re conceived there are already mountains of expectations for us put forth by our parents and society.
After we’re born, people are measuring how quickly we crawl, walk, talk. Our uncles are encouraging us to follow Dad's favorite football team and mom's alma mater.
And as we get older it perpetuates and gets undeniably worse. Not only do they want us to be geniuses in our own right, but they want us to be individuals.
Just not like the “bad individuals," like a starving artist, drug addicts, hippies (insert stereotypes here). They want us to be people who have their shit together and have a 9-5, hate their job, and a savings account.
It’s seriously the most effed up game of Life + Monopoly. Oh, you graduated elementary school, boom puberty hits, and now you have to have your life figured out.
Then not to mention, all the images we see in magazines, on tv, before smartphones might I add!! It’s insane the number of pressures and standards we had to live up to growing up.
And somehow we’re supposed to come out clean like Andy in Shawshank Redemption. It’s incredulous.
And all we ever see in movies are people falling in love getting married and having kids.
Hollywood never talks about the women who don't get married, or who didn’t have kids. If they do she was ugly and a spinster with a million cats with her nightly feature on Hoarders.
I mean the old lady lived in a goddamn shoe!!! Ariel got married at 16, and Prince Charming accosted Sleeping beauty in her sleep! And that's better than never getting married or having kids?
See where I’m going with this?
Our society makes us believe that getting married at 25 is acceptable. And anyone who doesn’t tick off that checklist is a loser, spinster, unlovable person.
It’s not true!
No matter where you come from, you are worthy!
If my boyfriend proposes, we get a bulldog named sumo, buy a house by tomorrow. It wouldn't make me any more worthy than I am NOW.
Even living in my apartment in Phoenix, Arizona without the ring, dog, house, etc… I’m fucking worthy!
Even in my chubby body, not straight teeth, pimple scars, and traumatic childhood - I’m fucking worthy.
How do I know? Because it’s true. There’s nothing in this world that can prove that I’m not. There’s nothing anyone else can say, any material item I can own that will make me worthy unless I believe it.
Why I believed I wasn’t worthy
Here’s the thing, I had a blessed childhood but also a childhood that was fucked up. My parents fought a lot. My father used excessive physical force and abused my mom and siblings. This caused physical abuse amongst the children, and our codependency issues are through the fucking roof.
There’s more, so much more, but these experiences formed my view of myself. And I believed I wasn't lovable unless I followed these rules.
Be a quiet mouse who doesn't make mistakes
If you do things for people, they will like you.
Fit in, even if it means acting differently than who I am
No matter how poorly people treat me, treat them with respect. Especially, my elders.
My emotions weren’t valid.
Even when I was held up at gunpoint, my family said, I was being dramatic, too emotional, and I should just get over it. “It’s not like he shot you.” “You’re still alive.” When in reality, that incident broke me.
Anyway, I had to relearn to love myself as ME. Even if I am emotional, SO WHAT? I had to accept myself as emotional. When people were rude or talked down to me, I had to let them go. Even if it was my sister or a friend. I was worth me and I wasn’t going to let them treat me that way anymore.
It sounds harsh, but that’s what society teaches us, “you only have one family.” Yes, it’s true, but it doesn’t make it right for them to mistreat us! We can still live a happy life without them. You should NEVER feel guilty for doing what’s right for you!
A lot of the work has been subconscious work. We project our self-worth through our subconscious you see. Don’t believe me? Search Neuroplasticity and the Subconscious Mind.
Our experiences our Hardwired into our brains. Particularly the ones where we feel shame and guilt. Which includes the small moments like, when I was a senior in high school doing a presentation on James Dean. Every time, I said the word Porsche, this kid who was a Porsche fanatic, rolled his eyes and scoffed at me.
I was mispronouncing the word. The correct way is “Por-shuh” not “Porsh.” How the fuck is I supposed to know, I’m not fucking German!
LOL, I’m still working through that trauma. But the point is, little experiences like these, have a huge impact on our psyche and self-worth.
From that moment, when I had a presentation those feelings would creep up. Fear appeared in the pits of my stomach causing stuttering, fast-talking, and sweating. Stage Fright to the max.
How to Change your Subconscious Mind
There are many tools and techniques to change your subconscious mind. I'll link a few resources I use below. The most important factor is understanding who you are and choosing to be that person. Even if it’s not meeting society’s expectations. Especially when it goes against society’s standards.
When you accept yourself, no one can do or say anything to make you feel anything less.
It’s going to take practice. It’s not going to be easy, but nothing is when you’re making a change.
if you're making changes in your life you'll need to remember this...
Posted by Simple Happy Life on Monday, September 9, 2019
But if you stick to it, and keep going because you know you are so worthy of all the love this world and life has to offer.
You will do it. You will reach that bliss, but never give up. There will be hard days, but the good days will start coming. And it will be worth all the pain, and suffering to live a life where you can feel like you.
As I said, there are TONS of ways to reprogram your subconscious, but I'll share what worked for me. Reprogramming my subconscious mind with meditations aimed to recreate moments in life where I felt shame or guilt.
Lacy Phillip’s - TO Be Magnetic - Pathway membership
Lacy Phillip’s from tobemagnetic.com, teaches classes on Manifestation. She believes working through the trauma can help us manifest the life we deserve.
Lacy guides you through meditations to help move you through these blocks in your life and address instances of shame or guilt.
For a long time, I’ve held shadow aspects of being Mexican and being a Mexican who doesn’t speak Spanish. I was always faking it until I "made” it. and it’s held me back from so much in my life-even learning Spanish.
Think about all the things you feel scared to say or be. What if you could be that person and not have any regret? What would that be worth?
To start this process join the Pathway.
The Holistic Psychologist
If you want real truth! Holy shit Dr. Nicole LePera @the.holistic.psychologist on Instagram Keeps.It.Real.
Take this amazing piece of advice. This post says it all when it comes to setting boundaries and dealing with codependency.
If you’re anything like me you’re just a few seconds away of joining her email list and clicking on all.the.links. :) Enjoy!
I’m fucking worthy
I’m still not married. I don’t have the house, the kids, the job, the money, but I do have an amazing loving incredibly handsome boyfriend. And I’m head-over-heels in love with - seriously, zero words explain how much I love him.
And I’m OKay not having all of society’s checkboxes crossed off. Because every day I’m closer to loving and accepting myself as me. And that my friends are worth more than all the money in the world.
And so are you!
So if you’re feeling like you’re behind in this life, and that everyone seems to be getting places and you’re just not there, remember life isn’t a race!
You’re exactly where you need to be, but you need to decide right now, is whatever you’re working for, REALLY the life you want? Is it REALLY the life that will make you happy?
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